Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i think my cat just said my name.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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