Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
