so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
