ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm like, not good at living.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
