I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize