I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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