i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
