Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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