Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
