So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
