Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
