I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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