ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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