i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
