i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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