I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
