I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
