Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
