my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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