My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
