she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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