I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dicks are not precious.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
