You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just high enough for therapy.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
