So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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