people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize