You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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