Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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