I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Sorry my hands just texted you
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Randomize
