fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
