You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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