I just made out with a guy for $7.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
