Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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