the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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