I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize