I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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