I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
