i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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