i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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