all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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