he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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