I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
