when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
