I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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