How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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