he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
