when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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