exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
