Your mouth is God's brothel.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
