does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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