and i looked up. we had an audience...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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