What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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