it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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