So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
