Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
