Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I am one with the molecules
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize