can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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