Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She's the barista slut.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
