I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
