my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I've blown a few things in my day
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
