I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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