woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
