Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
