Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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